my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
We have started to decorate penises.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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