i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
