I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
