i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
