my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Randomize
