ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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