...so i touched it.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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