i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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