I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
