Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
