Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
