Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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