Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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