Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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