if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
