Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
