This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
