Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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