The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
The ass gains better be worth it
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