I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize