If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
