OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
