I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I wish there were birth control emojis
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
