I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
