So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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