I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
