I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I intend to get homeless drunk
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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