I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
