so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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