Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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