i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
