yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize