at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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