Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
