I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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