I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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