mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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