i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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