i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
