I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
