i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
