Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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