I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
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