Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
