And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize
