If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Randomize
