Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
