I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
