Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
