It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
