***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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