i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
